


50 Ways to kill Hannah Burley

by DARWIN51



Category: Bones (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-03
Updated: 2012-05-03
Packaged: 2017-11-04 18:59:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/397128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DARWIN51/pseuds/DARWIN51
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love Brennan and Booth? Hate Burley? 50 hilarious ways that they get rid of her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prompts

Prompts: the first one is chapter two, and so on down the list.  
Baked Burley  
Impaled on fence  
Take bullet for Vincent  
Hannah got run over by a reindeer  
Eaten by Zack  
Commercial   
Frelted  
Buried alive  
Shark tank  
Burley under the tires  
Live autopsy  
Fig tree  
Knife throwing  
Those pesky hormones   
Bullet in the Bitch  
Fire on the devil  
Boothy the Hannah slayer  
Burley in the fire  
Up, well down  
Up, well down alternate ending  
Hannah Banana  
Snow Red


	2. Baked Burley

Recipe: Baked Burley

Serves: 4 squints and 1 agent

Prep time: 10 mins Cook time: 30 mins

Ingridents:  
1 Hannah Burley  
1 Trader Joe’s frozen pie crust  
1 can cherry filling  
1 stick butter

Step 1: Chop Burley into cubes, stir well  
Step 2: Add in ½ stick scorching hot melted butter, stir well  
Step 3: line extra large pan with pie crust  
Step 4: Add Burley/butter mix and cherry filling in blender, set on liquefy  
Step 5: Pour into pie pan, cover with rest of butter  
Step 6: bake at 650˚F for 30 minutes or until golden brown

Slice and enjoy! Just kidding!

Tip: Serve with Fiesta Rice


	3. Impaled on fence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on actual events of deer impaling themselves on Forest Lawn Cemetery in Buffalo NY

The Hannah Burley, frolicking freely in its natural habitat, eating flowers, taking candy from babies, kicking puppies, hitting on other Seeley Booths.  
As the Hannah Burely approaches a foreign object, a border of some kind, it sees a Seeley Booth on the other side and feels the sudden overpowering need to be with it.   
The Hannah Burley takes a couple steps back, then charges full speed, steam blowing out its ears.   
It leaps, and soars over the fence, until gravity decides it hates the Hannah Burley and yanks it down on the sharp pole of the fence.  
Lesson: Don’t piss off gravity


	4. Take bullet for Vincent

*Phone rings*  
RIIINNGGGGGGGG  
Booth-Oh look! It’s a violent serial killer, Vincent, why don’t you answer it?  
Vincent-Good Idea Agent Booth, anything to please my superiors!  
RIIINNGGGGGG  
Booth-Don’t answer it yet  
Vincent-Yes sir!  
RIINNNGGGG  
Booth-Don’t answer it yet!  
RIINNNGGGGG  
Bren-Booth Hurry!  
Booth-Don’t rush me woman!  
RIINNGGGGGGG  
Booth- oh look, it says he’s really close by, why don’t you pick it up Vincent?  
Vincent-What do I say?  
Bren-Just….try to sound like Booth  
Vincent-Oh yes I can totally pull that off, I have an accent! (a/n which I LOVE!)  
Bren-Just do your best American accent impression!  
Vincent- *answers phone* I vud ike to buy an amburter! (Pink panther refrence if you don’t get it)  
Bren-MY SPIDEY SENSES ARE TINGLING! *Grabs an extra Hannah burley and puts it in front of Vincent, Hannah gets hit with the cool looking bullet*  
Booth- That was a close one!  
Vincent- *Hands phone to Booth* It’s for you….

*In loving memory Vincent Nigel-Murray, rest in peace*


	5. Hannah got run over by a reindeer

(Chorus)  
Hannah got run over by a reindeer  
We’re all just glad she didn’t marry Booth  
You can say she wasn’t all that bad  
But we all like Brennan and Booth together

She set out on a road trip  
To chase her childhood dream  
To find Santa and his reindeer  
But they found her and it was quite a scene

When they found her the next morning  
All decomposed and unidentifiable  
Booth and Brennan were called to investigate  
They found out that it was Hannah

…and they danced

Ohhhh

Hannah got run over by a reindeer  
We’re all just glad she didn’t marry Booth  
You can say she wasn’t all that bad  
But we all like Brennan and Booth together

When Cam performed the autopsy  
And the results finally came back  
They proved that Hannah Burley  
Was an idiot and deserved to be attacked

Ohhh  
Hannah got run over by a reindeer  
We’re all just glad she didn’t marry Booth  
You can say she wasn’t all that bad  
But we all like Brennan and Booth together

Now I’m having too much fun  
Killing Hannah in this fic  
And I hope you enjoy the next one  
Because it also involves killing Daisy Wik!

The end


	6. Eaten by Zack

Zack escapes from a mental hospital  
Zack-I’m feeling extra hungry today….  
*goes to Jeffersonian*  
Zack-Ooh, an Angela…..yum!  
Angela- NO! Bad Zack! Don’t eat me.  
Zack- But…Zack hungry…*tearing up*  
Angela-Have a Hannah Burley instead!  
Zack-A….Hannah Burley? Zack no comprehend.  
Angela-You can find them in the freezer section: a pre cooked Baked Burley! It comes in Cherry, Cinnamon, Traditional, and Boston Crème!  
Zack- Zack hungry…grrr..hannah burley….grrrr…boston crème. Must find Hannah Burley….and boston crème!  
Zack leaves Angela’s office and finds Hodgins  
Zack- yummm….a Hodgins!  
KING OF THE LAB! Hodgins screeches then hits Zack over the head with a frozen turkey.  
Zack-Ehh..no Hodgins for Zackie  
Hodgins- Have a dose of a Baked Burley instead! Now with 80% less nutritional value than other leading brands!  
Zack-Grr….BakedBurley…..nutritional value…..leading brands……………….other…  
Zack leaves the lab and spots Dr. Brennan outside  
Zack-Zack hungry…yumm! A Dr. Br-  
Brennan-(interrupts) NO! BACK! I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY! Don’t touch me!  
Zack- *crying now* Zack just hungry! And his hands hurt..  
Dr.B-Anthropologically speaking, your gait suggests that you are looking for a Baked Burley. They go great with Fiesta Rice.  
Zack-That I am…yum.  
Dr.B- There’s a market right across the street that carries them.  
Zack-…..in Boston Crème?  
Dr.B-and all new Glazed!  
Zack runs across the street, is hit by a car, his arm falls off but he doesn’t care, he just keeps going.  
Daisy-Welcome to the Burley Butchery! My name is Daisy Wik, how may I help you?  
Zack eats Daisy because she’s just so annoying  
As a Daisy Wik is eaten, somewhere out there a Lance Sweets smiles.  
Zack Spots the Baked Burleys and goes after them but then sees a real Hannah Burley and eats that instead


	7. commercial

*sad image of a starving Seeley Booth, dramatic sad piano music plays*

Every day…..  
Four Seeley Booths die because of Hannah Burleys.  
Others are lost, starved, broken, dumped, rejected, and left to die.

*piano music gets slightly happier*

But YOU can help.

*inspirational violins play*

YOU can help make a change.  
Buy a Baked Burley and 10¢ of every purchase will go to killing off those evil pesky Hannah Burleys for good.

In fact, none(sounds like nine)out of ten doctors recommend Baked Burleys. Dr. Phil quotes: “Buy a Baked Burley, Kill a real one. For the Booths!”

Kill a Burley, save a Booth.   
Sponsored by Fiesta Rice. OLAY!


	8. Frelted

Involves characters from NCIS: LA

Nell-I checked the security cameras and I found out who tried to frelt you.   
Eric-Who?  
Nell- Some freak named Hannah Burley  
Callen- 1,2,3!  
*Callen and Sam break down Hanna’s door*  
Sam-Grab her!   
Kensi and Deeks tie her up and tape her mouth shut. Then they stuff her in a bag and drag her to the car.  
The team takes her back to the frelting chamber and toss her in and lock her up.  
Sam-(into earpiece) Start ‘er up, Eric.  
The chamber starts up, and it gets really hot, and the Burley Bakes, then it gets really cold, and the Burley freezes. The chamber dings and the door swings open.   
The team enjoys a homemade Baked Burley back at the lab.


	9. Buried alive

Seeley Booth felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was a call from an unknown number. Booth flipped his phone opened with caution.

“Booth”  
“Agent Booth, Hannah Burley has been buried alive. You must wire $2 Million into my account. You know who it is, right? It’s me! The gravedigger! Hahaha, well Seeley I feel as if I have made you a happy man! Anyways… she will die from lack of oxygen in 24 hours. This is my last communication.” The person (the Gravedigger) hung up.   
Immediately Booth shot up out of his seat and started cheering. He got weird glances from people all over the diner. He decided it was beginning to get very awkward so he decided to go outside. When he threw the money down on the table and reached the doors, he texted his closest ‘friends.’

 

 

To: Bones, Hodgins, Angela, Camille, Wendell, and Sweets.

Hannah has been buried alive! THIS IS A VERY HAPPY DAY! This is going to all of you. Angela, please call me as soon as you get this. Party at the lab tomorrow at this time.  
-Booth

After about a minute after Booth sent the text, his phone rang.  
“Booth”  
“Hey, Hannahs been buried alive, huh?”  
“YES!” He said a little too excitedly  
“And there’s a party…why?”   
“Because she was a horrible person”  
“Will there be food?”  
“YES!”  
“Ok, I’ll be there. This is the BEST. DAY. EVER.”  
“I need you to do me a favor,” Booth didn’t wait for a response, he just kept talking. “I need a life sized piñata of you-know-who. We can you your office, right? Ok good”  
“Whoa, slow down there. You want a piñata and you want to have the party… in my office?”  
“YES!”  
“All right, I’ll get right to work.”  
“Thanks Ang”   
“Whatever”  
Angela hung up with Booth and immediately got to work. She grabbed the remote to the Angelatron and went to the paint application. She opened and text box and wrote:

HAHAHA. This is called KARMA you b*tch! Go die in a hole, literally.   
Hate,  
Everyone in the world   
(Especially us squints, we hate you)

She got out some newspaper and supplies to make paper mache and did a life-size replica of Hannah Burley. (a.k.a the accursed one) Brennan got Hannah’s least favorite foods: Wong Fu’s, Pizza rolls, and Roast Beef. Sweets put together a Playlist on his iPod of Hannah’s least favorite songs by Lady Gaga, Train, and the Beatles.   
Booth didn’t sleep much last night, he was too excited.  
When everyone arrived the next day, the room was perfect. Anti-Burley posters hung on the walls, the piñata was hanging from the ceiling from its ankles, and little X’d out Burley faces hung in the doorway.   
“Ang, I love it. I think I like it too much” Brennan commented with a slight laugh. They ate food and danced to music. Finally, it was piñata time!  
Booth was first. He got on his knees, spat on her face and then bashed her head off with a baseball bat. Brennan took the bat and jabbed her on the chest.  
“The blunt force trauma to this area of the-“   
“Enough, Bones. Please? This is supposed to be fun. Not an anthropology lesson.  
“Oh, I apologize” Booth gave her a forgiving smile.   
Hodgins and Angela each knocked off an arm. Cam, in her high heels, stomped around on what was on the floor. Wendell, who didn’t know Hannah all that well, hit her legs with all his strength and sent her spinning through the air and plummeting to the ground. Everyone cheered and clapped Wendell on the back. Sweets stood around and watched their behavior. He, of course, took mental notes. The Booth got up and made a toast.   
“To Burley, who, hopefully, is rotting in HELL!” Everyone cheered and then were startled when a loud buzzer went off in the room. They all looked around to see what was going on. Angela smiled and pointed to the Angelatron. There was a big red timer behind her banner. The time had reached 0:00.  
They all shared puzzled looks and finally realized what the countdown clock was for. Cam was the first one to realize this.   
“Angela, is she dead now?!?!” Cam asked.  
Angela shook her head and smiled as far as her face would let her.   
“SHES DEAD!” Angela yelled. Everyone threw their hand up in the air and screamed in excitement. These past two days have been the best!  
“This is abnormal behavior” Sweets said. They all shot him a look.


	10. Shark Tank

Booth and Parker set up their air mattress on the ground by the other aquarium campers.  
“Dad?” Parker asked nervously.  
“Yeah bud?”   
“I-I” He sighed. “I invited Hannah.”  
“WHAT?” Booth yelled  
“Sorry dad, she came to my school an-“  
“She came to your school?” Booth asked  
“Yeah, the day Aunt Angela picked me up. Before Ang got there, I invited her. I hope you’re not mad.”  
“What did Aunt Angela do?”  
“She yelled and stuff.”  
“And stuff?”   
“Hannah said some of those nasty words you told me never to say.”  
“What happened next?”  
“I stomped on Hannah’s shoe, Aunty Ange pushed her onto a bench.”  
“Way to go Ange!”  
“There she is Dad.” Hannah ran in her high heels over to Parker and gave him a hug.  
“Parker I’m so sorry for the day at school.” She put Parker down because he was struggling.  
“Seeley, I didn’t know you were coming.”  
“I am his father, and you are his….nothing.”  
Hannah rolled her eyes at his comment. Parker stood by his father. The first place they were going was the shark tank. The aquarium held a contest, the winner got to go up and see the top of the shark tank, where they fed the sharks from.  
“And our winner is,” The aquarium tour guide pulled a small purple ticket out of a bowl full of them. “Parker Booth and his family!” Parker’s face lit up.  
“Yes! DAD HANNAH we get to go up on the SHARK TANK!” This is the best day ever except I wish you,” He pointed to Hannah “were Bones. She’s smarter than you.” Hannah, once again, rolled her eyes and walked away. Booth had an idea.   
*later*  
Booth watched intently at all the things the aquarium guide did to get to the shark tank. He memorized everything they did and all the codes.   
“Whoa dad! This is awesome. Look at that one,” then he lowered to a whisper “it looks like it would rip Hannah to shreds!” Booth laughed evilly.  
Later, when everyone in their tour group was asleep on the floor, Booth woke Parker and Hannah.  
“Hey, Hannah, there’s part two to our tour! C’mon guys. Let’s go!”   
Booth led them the way he remembered. He got them up to the tank. They talked for a while and then the sharks began to come closer. Booth knew it was time.   
“Alright. Parker, Hannah, time to stand up. Here’s the surprise.” He knew Hannah couldn’t swim.  
“Shark bait, hoo ha ha” Parker chanted.  
“Wha-“ Hannah started, but it was too late.  
Booth got her close to the edge and, with all his might, pushed her in the water. Within seconds he saw all the blood float to the top.  
“This is abnormal” Parker said as he laughed with pleasure.  
Booth shot him a look.


	11. Burley under the tires

Brennan finally got to drive her car to a crime scene. Before they went out to the field, they stopped for coffee. Brennan let her car park itself and then they went inside. As they entered, the bells on the door jingled and the barista looked up. They walked hand in hand up to the counter.  
“Hi, how may I help you?”  
“I would like a decaf chai latte.” Brennan said.  
“A small black, please” Booth added.  
“$3.79” the cashier added. Just then they heard the bells on the door. Still holding Bren’s hand, Booth turned his head to see who was walking in. The bouncing blonde curls and big eyes were unmistakable. Burley. Booth turned around and pretended not to see her. But it was too late.  
“Hi Seeley!”  
“You know Temperance is here too.”  
“Oh, I didn’t recognize her. You guys are-“ her voice slowly trailed off.  
“Having a baby,” Bren turned around to show her the ring. “and engaged? Then yes.”  
“Engaged? And a baby? Which came first?” She said with a snarl.  
“Hannah!” Booth snapped. Brennan turned to the barista and whispered “Please spit in the bxtchy blonde’s coffee” and handed him a 10 dollar bill. He nodded and smiled.  
“Lets’ get outta here Bones.” They grabbed their coffees and walked out the door. After about 2 minutes Hannah ran after them.  
“Um, excuse me?”   
“yes?” Brennan asked.  
“I wasn’t don’t talking to Seeley. I asked you guys a question”. She sipped her coffee. Brennan chuckled to herself. Booth gave her a look like ‘what was that for?’  
“What’s so funny?”  
“Nothing” Hannah stood next to Booth’s window. She began to walk over to Brennan’s side.  
“FLOOR IT!” Booth yelled. Brennan gave it all she could and slammed on the gas. Brennan hit Hannah right on. She had enough force to send Hannah flying through the air. They looked out the windshield and watched Hannah plummet to the ground. Brennan and Booth shared a laugh. Brennan drove over to Hannah and ran her over. “Can you program your car to do that?” Booth asked. They laughed and drove off.


	12. Live autopsy

Bright lights and familiar faces. That is what Hannah Burley saw when she opened her eyes. Camille Saroyan. Temperance Brennan. Seeley Booth. Angela Montenegro. Jack Hodgins. Lancelot Sweets. Wendell Bray. They were all there.  
“This is doctor Camille Saroyan conducting today’s autopsy on Hannah M. Burley. Today’s date is Sunday, May 29th, 2011. We will start the autopsy by making a ‘Y’ Shaped incision on the subject’s chest.” Cam paused the tape and chuckled and handed the knife to Booth.  
“Whoa? Me? Really? Booth said. Booth took the knife in his hands and made a V shaped incision across her chest, and a line down to her stomach. She was awake during the procedure. Her mouth was duct taped shut so it could mask her screams. Angela snapped on some gloves along with Brennan. Together, they took out her heart and lungs.   
“Oh my god! Yucky!” Angela shrieked. She felt Hannah’s black hole in her hands. “It’s a black hole! I always knew she was heartless.”  
“It feels like a….ohmygod!” Angela said.   
“Can I….” Sweets said cautiously.   
“Of course.” Angela handed him the black hole. “But be careful-“  
But it was already too late.   
“AHHHhhhhhh…..” Sweet’s voice trailed off as he was sucked into the black hole, forever lost.  
Angela put the heart in the bowl along with the lungs. By now, Hannah was unconscious.  
“Here you go, doctor Hodgins.: Cam handed Hodgins the scalpel. He made an incision from one ear to the other and then an arc connecting the two. He then took a large electric saw and sawed the bone beneath the flesh corresponding to the incision he had made.   
“Here Mr. Bray, take off that part of the skull. I’ll make an incision to examine the stomach contents.”   
Wendell took off the fraction of the skull that Hodgins had cut.  
“Where’s the brain?” Booth asked. Wendell stuck his hand inside of her head and felt around. Finally he pulled out a pinkish colored matter the size of a baseball.   
“That’s it?” Brennan and Angela asked at the same time as they chuckled.  
“She’s blonde.” Said Booth. Everyone who actually go the joke laughed and the rest just stared wondering what that had meant.  
Cam emptied the stomach contents into a bowl. “Alright, we have some fiesta rice-“   
“OHMYGOD those go great with a Bake Burley!” Brennan interrupted.  
“oh the irony….” Angela chuckled to herself.  
“Thank you, Doctor Brennan. Aright, we have fiesta rice, puppies, and rocky road ice cream.” Cam finished.  
“Hannah eats puppies?” Booth asked in disgust.  
“Never mind that! Where did she get the Rocky Road! Everywhere I go it’s always gone!” Angela raged.  
“That’s nasty” Wendell commented, ignoring Angela’s comment.  
“That’s cruel” Brennan said, also ignoring Angela.  
“Unreal” Booth stated in awe, but he was talking about the ice cream.  
“This is abnormal” Came Sweet’s voice from a faraway place.


	13. Knife throwing

“Alrighty folks! Give it up for Will Ferret the elf doing back flips on an elephant!” The ringmaster cheered. “Up next, we have Buck the knife thrower and his lovely assistant Wanda! Oh, what’s that?....yes…oh, right, the microphone’s still on.”  
“Okay folks, looks like Wanda wasn’t able to make it today.”  
Collective aww  
“But he has a temporary replacement tonight…Hannah? Is that how you say it? Just Hannah? That’s lame. Oh, right, microphone still on.”  
“Give it up for Hannah….”  
Collective Boo  
“Here they are! Now first, Buck will attempt to pop the balloons on the board behind her, only by throwing the knives from 20 feet away!”  
“Here’s the wind up…perfect throw and….”  
POP  
“He got one! Right above the head! That was straight on! But he doesn’t look too happy about it…”  
Collective Boo  
“Alrighty, next one, he rears back, and the pitch!”  
*stabbing sound, accompanied by a crunch*  
“AAnd a perfect hit!”  
Collective cheer  
“Did I hear that hit bone?”  
Wanda- “Yes, actually it appears to have struck between the medial epicondyle and the capitulum, so approximately on the trochlea.”  
Collective confusion  
“SO it hit her elbow? Yes, thank you, we can all see that.”  
“Okay going for the next one”  
*stabbing sound*  
Wanda-“Ooh, right in the acromoin!”  
“Yes…her shoulder…thank you.”  
Buck-“Wanda, what are you doing here I thought you ‘couldn’t make it’ *whispers* it was part of our plan, remember?”  
Wanda-*stuffing her face with popcorn* “Sorry, I just couldn’t miss this!”  
“Heeeres the next throw…”  
Lights flash and the Hannah Burley sparks, twitches, and flails about the board she was strapped to.  
“EVERYONE DUCK AND COVVER! SHES GONNA BLOW!”  
BOOMMM!  
“…It appears that Buck has hit Hannah straight in the stomach, causing her to malfunction and short-circuit. She has exploded.”   
Collective loudest cheer of..ever  
The midget crew, part of the circus, comes skipping out, singing “Stab, bzzt, the witch is dead. The witch is dead!”  
“Stab bzzt?” Buck asks.  
“Ding-Dong” A midget squeals, squeezing Buck’s nose.  
“Ding-Dong is so last century.” Another informs him.  
“Ding-Dong the wicked witch is deaddd!!” the crowd cheers happily.


	14. those pesky hormones

Hannah Burley waltzes into the Jeffersonian. “Hey hot stuff.” She tells Booth.  
Brennan growls as she stands behind Booth, rubbing her belly. “It’s okay honey, let me do the talking.” Booth reassures her.  
Booth steps forward. “What are you doing here, Hannah? This is a private lab, you know.”  
“I was sent to take pictures for the DC newspaper.”  
“Well stay away from us.”  
*LATER*  
Hannah knelt down, taking pictures of an exhibit. Brennan approached her, preparing for a friendly chat about how she and Booth were together now, and how Hannah needed to back the hell off. She saw the blond swivel her camera in a new direction. Brennan quickly ducked behind a corner to avoid being seen. Hannah started snapping pictures of something in rapid succession. Bren turned her head to see what the pics were of. Booth was walking by looking hot, Hannah was taking pictures with a sly grin on her face. Stalker! She thought. But, she remembered what Booth had said. She ran to tell Booth.  
*LATER STILL*  
“Alright, I’ll talk to her, okay? I’ll tell her she needs to stay away from both of us and get a life. Because we are having a baby!” Booth said tickling Bren’s extended belly. “That’s incorrect, I’m having a baby. You are just the father. Men can’t give birth to a baby, they don’t have a-“ “Okay okay Bones, geez. It’s something people say. “Fine. Just go talk to her so she can leave us alone.” Brennan grumbled.   
*LATER FOR THE LAST TIME*  
“Hannah, we need to talk.” Booth addressed her, just outside the Egyptian exhibit.   
“Sure sweetie. Let’s go somewhere more…private.” She pulled Booth into the exhibit room, and pushed him against a wall. “So…” She hissed in his ear. “You wanted to….talk?”   
“Um, no, Hannah, I wanted to tell you to BACK OFF. Brennan and I are going to be married. And she’s having our baby. So leave us alone.”  
“Fat chance, Boothie Boy, cause I’m a Booth Babe.” She tickled his neck.   
“Hey! I carry a weapon, you know!” Booth cried.  
“Now now, you don’t have to get all defensive. Just because you two are having a baby doesn’t mean-“  
“YAAAH!” Brennan screeched, jumping out from behind a pharaoh tomb. She whacked Hannah on the head with a sistrom (and Egyptian musical instrument like maracas)   
“I am having a baby! Get your anatomy right!” Bren tells her.   
Hannah clutches her neck dramatically and falls to the ground and gasps like a dying fish. “I see the light…” Brennan whacks her again. “Oww! What has gotten into you?!” She whines.  
“HIS DICK!” Brennan shouts then beats Hannah to death with the Egyptian maracas.


End file.
